Once Upon a Loser.

Assalamualaikum..

Since I'm now 20, that means that I had already went through a few different stages in my life; being a child, going through puberty and being a teenager, and lastly new-adult. 

Well, I still think I'm a teen, but that's not the point.

This post is a rant.

Meaning of rant;

1. A loud bombastic declamation expressed with strong emotion

2. Pompous or pretentious talk or writing

A rant of my life during my dark phase, my early teenage life.

Somewhere in between me changing high schools. (I kind of transferred A LOT back then, so you guess which.. ^^).

To me, this memory was kind of interesting  and worth-remembering.

Then, I thought, "I should write it down some where!"

So, why not here?

Ok, once upon a time, I was literally a cipher, a nonentity, a nobody.. 

You know? That awkward introvert kid who's only friends with like 3 people and nobody actually bothers to know about..?

I was that kid.

Some of my acquaintances didn't even remember my name nor did they realized my existence. It kind of happened a few times to me in class when my classmates thought that I was absent that day, only to realize that I was at the back of the class the whole time. 

Yup, I was THAT unnoticed.

The reason for me being that way was...

1. Self-conscious

To my recent friends (since I kind of changed my personality just recently), they'd think that this is all cr*p since I'm now kind of a crazy yet friendly person, all jolly and noisy.

Well, back then, I was veeerryy self-conscious.

I hated my looks, I hated my brain, I even hated my personality. Being ugly, stupid and having a rude and sarcastic personality does not go well with your self-esteem.

2. Afraid of rejection

I had set myself to hate everything in my life during that dark phase. 

I became so bitter, leaving me friendless, except for a few of them whom could tolerate my bitterness. Even then, I still closed myself, not letting anyone to close, keeping them at bay.

I was afraid that if I ever let them in, I'd get hurt. I hated getting hurt so I decided on not taking any chances.

3. Surrounding

My surrounding back then also made a contribution in me hating society as a whole.

Well, one of the things that I hate the most were the self-conceited jerks who thought they were sooo much better than others. 

Unfortunately, my high school was full of them. 

Wow, how I hated their guts. I couldn't even imagine how someone could parade around the school, acting all mighty and oh-so-proud, making sarcastic and mean comments on those they consider below their level and turn into complete charming 'princes'/ 'princesses' the second they were among their so-called 'popular groups'.

Yeah, hierarchy did, and still does, exist in Malaysia.
Shocker, I know.

So, being the weird kid at that time, receiving mean comments and being played with kind grew on me, that I just stopped caring altogether. I'm not saying that I was bullied and all that since back then, I was kind of mean too. But then, they didn't like me and I kind if returned the favour.

Thinking back, what actually disgusted me the most was the ability of these jerks to insert innuendo and sexual comments in almost every conversation they had.

I mean, God, you're like 11! Where the h*ck did you even learn all this stuff??

Now, going back to my point.
My surrounding, the society I lived in during that time, kind of made me a hater. I hated everyone. Well, particularly boys. Girls, not so much, since some were still tolerable..

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So, the result of all this?

I became lonely.

Sure, I had friends, but not really close ones.

I was too afraid to let people in.

It was sad really, since I had no one to turn to when I had personal problems.

I didn't cry that much, instead I kept it all in.
It led me to become hot-tempered and was very bad with dealing with feelings.

I built this invisible wall around me and it created a bad personality.

Keeping it all in was, is and will always result in bad things. 

Trust me.

OK, I have to stop now because this rant is getting too long.
Anyway, you've seen a portion of my past, right?

Believe it or not, this IS a true story.

So long then, till next time!

Salam.